Local Man Discovers He Is, In Fact, A Dog

By: Rachel Stewart

Disclaimer- This article is fake, modeled after satire news sites such as “The Onion” or “Clickhole”

On May 2, 2016, a local Bellbrook “man” discovered that he was no man at all, and was in fact, a dog.  Leo, a 24-year-old (3 years in dog years) male, has been a resident of Bellbrook ever since he was a young man (pup).  His life was just like yours or mine. He had a steady job at the bank, he relaxed on Sundays, and he ate a bowl of Iam’s every night for dinner.

He had mirrors in his house, and he knew that he had a little more body hair than most, but nobody had ever even suggested that he wasn’t of the human race.  His doctors never treated him any differently. He got a bone after every visit, and they seemed to like his company, always telling him he “was so well-behaved.”

Yesterday however, as he was surfing the internet, he came across a Buzzfeed article entitled “Are you a dog?”  Without hesitation, he took the quiz, as nobody can resist a Buzzfeed quiz.  The results were staggering: 100% lupine.  He growled, barred his teeth, and raised his hackles; what was this madness, he couldn’t be a dog!  Dogs weren’t civilized like he was, dogs didn’t have jobs with a 401(k), dogs didn’t vacuum their own fur up from their carpets!  He called his closest friend on the phone, Samantha Wick, and asked her to give it to him straight: Was he a dog?  She quietly told him yes, he was, but that didn’t make her treat him any differently. “I don’t see species, actually. I like to consider myself ‘species-blind.’ I’m so done with the labels; we aren’t human, or dog, or cat, we’re all just sentient balls of energy!” she explained to him.

I talked to Ms.Wick, and asked her why she didn’t tell Leo sooner. She responded, “I really just didn’t want to hurt his feelings. His life was going fine and I didn’t want to mess any of it up! If he was happy being the ‘man’ he was, then I was happy for him.”

Hopefully the rest of us can feel that way.  Leo didn’t choose to be a dog, it was just how he was born, and I hope he can keep living a peaceful, happy, and healthy life, I wish him luck.


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